Love Kingsman: The Secret Service With Me (And Everyone Else)

Colin Firth, Samuel L Jackson and Taron Egerton.

Kingsman: The Secret Service barrel rolls in as one of the most audacious films I've simply ever seen. I don't usually review a film but I felt given it's performance I was pretty much obligated to.

It feels more than anything like a big mash up of everything you could enjoy in a film. It's got fantastic acting, hilarious writing and a plot that is completely generic for a spy film (a quirky bad guy with intent of dominating the world through money or technology) whilst managing to actually be an entirely individual film in itself, which is a rarity. 

The first few scenes give you an edging sense of dread, not because they are necessarily of poor quality but more-so because they are somewhat ridiculous. To be blunt, someone gets chopped in half. If that ever becomes a recognisable sign of a good movie - let me know.

And yet, after chopping someone in half, you just can't help but to be absolutely enthralled by the plot, despite it being ridiculously far-fetched and what is quintessentially a comedy, it still manages to grab you by the throat and make you watch (I think it's Colin Firth).

Colin Firth plays Harry, a veteran 'Kingsman' (a dapper British spy) who's life was saved by a fellow spy in a previous mission, Harry seeks to keep his friend's legacy on by selecting said friend's son as his new protege for Kingsman training - Eggsy, played by newcomer Taron Egerton, whom is remarkably likeable for his debut role. The Kingsman do of course face their big bad bond-like enemy.

This is Samuel. L Jackson as you've never seen him before and I still can't work out whether it's good or bad, but I'm going with it. He's got a lisp. He's pretty camp. He "can't stand the sight of blood" and he's also the big bad guy behind it all. He plays the billionaire entrepreneur Richmond Valentine who seeks to kill off a decent slice of the world population by offering free sim-card like chips into everyone that allows him to control their behaviour. Of course, what's preventing him from his evil plot? The Kingsman of course! From sharing a McDonalds meal to slaughter in a church. The film is simply brilliantly outrageous.

Martin Vaughn has stripped a lot from the comics of the same name but re-worked it into a bond homage more than anything. But the comic book essence is still present - bulletproof umbrellas, shotgun pistols and hologram glasses.

There are a lot of gags - some of them fall short, mainly a few references to 'My Fair Lady' and a few that are just aimed at the 'common londoner', but ultimately the film manages to be riotous and pull all the right heartstrings without diving too much into the realms of clichè.

Grab a martini. Get suited up. Get to the cinema.

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Why You Shouldn't Like Government Employed PSHE Schemes

For those who are unaware, PSHE stands for Personal Social Health & Economic Education, it's a part of the UK's national curriculum and has been since 2000. It's also become the biggest load of cockwash since the Iraq War.

I'm a student, currently on the arse-end of my final year at sixth form and I won't lie, this is probably pretty biased. I despise everything from registration to the 20 or so different bells that blast away every day; nonetheless, PSHE needs to go, and fast. The other week, the sixth form were subjected to what I can only really describe as unabashed sexism and, well, pretty fucking terrible acting.

Sat in our seats; bracing ourselves for the next dull PSHE assembly, we were told by the assembly leader that the topic of this PSHE was Domestic Violence. Of course, this is fine, children and young adults should obviously be taught how to cope and deal with this sort of issue. Good job so far guys. The catch is however, in my far too many years at education, I've had this same PSHE assembly - 4 times. Naturally with different people running it and generally a slightly different tone each time, but, you guessed it, still some fucking terrifically bad acting.

Yet. this isn't really the problem, it's generally the same layout:

1. Quick talk and explanation about Domestic Violence

2. Any Questions? (Oh, we're sixth formers, we couldn't be bothered to lift up our arms even if we had a question.)

3. Okay here's a big long video

4. Summary of the video

5. Any Questions? (Obviously, still no one can be fucked.)

6. Okay that's it guys. Clap at us like seals.

That's all fairly straightforward. Not really any problems there - except for the video.

Every time I have had this topic of assembly, it has always been a painfully dominant male beating the living shit out of his, usually younger, girlfriend. Now, don't think me a fool, this scenario happens more than enough times across the country than I can count on my hands - but it is not the only damn scenario. Wives beat husbands. Teenagers beat their parents. Husbands beat wives. Instead of portraying properly the reality of what happens in Domestic Abuse scenario's, PSHE in the curriculum is unarguably adding more fuel to the sexism bonfire. Children growing up in Secondary School's will see the same video's, constant boyfriends and husbands domineering and beating their female partners. What image does that really present to young people? Who, let's face it, can be pretty naive.

PSHE is a mess. A mess that isn't working to actually educate the younger generation socially well enough in the slightest.

I wouldn't have been so angry and gone toward writing this if the person leading the assembly hadn't said the one thing that catalysed my anger - "if you know someone who's a victim of Domestic Violence, be there for her".

HER.

Being an assembly full of sixth formers, this generally doesn't matter so much and was significantly less damaging, as most were either wanting to go to sleep and/or daydreaming intricate ways of escaping the hall undetected. (I don't know, that could've just been me). But seriously - you, lovely lady though you are, are a complete and utter idiot. She actually solidified my hatred for her when she followed that with the brilliantly twattish "oh I shouldn't say she, that's probably not correct, but most of the time that is the case".

To be fair, figures show that Male instigated domestic violence rates are much higher, but to twist that into an educational portal just begins to warp the minds of young people into fear, paranoia and distrust - which, let's be honest, this country doesn't need anymore of. (Yeah, thanks UKIP.)

I must also be clear that I don't expect every one of these PSHE schemes to include every scenario of such topics into their videos and whatnot, but what I do expect is that there is more acknowledgement and explanation that these sorts of things, like domestic violence, affect more than just women. It is a crime that destroys people and it is not to be skimmed over as just being men. It's just insulting in every way.

In summary.

- Support ANYONE you know that is a victim of Domestic Violence
- Don't generalise a common, malevolent crime to a gender.
- Fuck you PSHE.

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