7 Arts of Being a Twat - Daily

So, I figured it was time to write about stuff that wasn't dull, depressing or political. Because, that stuff gets boring.

And, oddly, the one thing that sprang to mind when I was thinking of something to write about was how, as the humans that we are, we can really be absolute cocks sometimes. To such an extent that the social embarrassment is almost so blisteringly painful that being Piers Morgan's personal rent boy is actually a preferable option. Well, for some people anyway.

So I've compiled a list of the 7 main ways we regularly make a twat out of ourselves. The irony of this whole thing is that if I get any of these wrong - I am making a huge twat out of myself.

1. The Nervous Laugh

We've all done it. Definitely. I'll put it into context. A work colleague of yours passes you, mutters something you wouldn't understand if you spoke all fucking 6,500 languages. You lock up and think "oh fuck, I can't ask them what they said now, it's been 30 seconds that's far too long to ask that, fuck. fuck. fuck."

And there it goes. You do a nervous laugh hoping like Christ they cracked a joke. The next couple of minutes are spent engaging in turtle mode, nervously avoiding eye contact with that person just in case. Sometimes it ends with utter humility, and you force out a stifled, "sorry?"

2. The Shoe-Lace

The oh-so irritating undoing of the shoe-lace. It always happens of course, at the most convenient time. Oh no, your shoe lace does not become un-tied when you are in a quiet corridor with plenty of space to manoeuvre! Your shoe lace knows exactly when to become un-tied.

In the middle of the high street is a fine example. Where, to manoeuvre yourself in a position to tie your shoe-laces you may well be anally propositioning an 87 year old woman. Or by attempting to squat down you may hit a child in the face with your over-sized plastic carriers bags you are attempting to trawl through town.

The latter actually happened to me.... yeah, I know.

3. "Uh, I'm getting off the bus now?"

This is, for me, one of the scariest moments of the day. Not even for any reason. Your stop is coming up at increasing speed and you have a pensioner next you who may well be still attempting to stand up within the next 30 minutes. But, the waiting time isn't even half the problem when getting off the bus, oh no.

The main problem with the bus is letting the person sat next to you know that you would like to leave the bus. And soon. Do you make awkward eye contact? Is there an appropriate British sentence that is both polite and respectful, whilst letting them know you want to get the hell up? "I know, I'll gather all of my possessions together in my hands, that'll let them know I'm ready to go."

4. The Fake Text

So, you're walking down the street and for whatever reason, you've forgotten or not realised you're headed in the wrong direction. Even in quiet  streets it seems logical here that you are going to look like a twat for doing a full 180 and shuffling off into the opposite direction. So what do we do? Oh look, a text.

I'll just stand here quickly, maybe even pull a face of mild surprise, as I read this non-existent (or even sometimes a text you've already read) and then boom, I can spin round and walk off comfortably. Ha, those people watching me will never know now. I don't look strange, AT ALL.

5. The Street Dance

This one is actually a massive bug-bear of mine. It is perhaps the single most irritating moment of my day and if I'm in a town centre it will happen at the very minimum of once. You're immersed in your phone and as you briefly look up you see an impending crash. When you try to correct course, the person about to walk into you does exactly the same.

The next 5 seconds are spent doing some sort of lightning fast tap dance in different directions so poorly judged that sometimes you actually crash into one another mumbling "sorry" accompanied with a fake and slightly pissed off laugh.

6. The Wave

This one is a rarity, but it is definitely a killer. Men and Women have died of shame from this. As you walk down the road to, I don't know, the shops? Oh, that's Steve! I'll give him a big old wave and maybe even shout him!

After a few seconds of waving and at the very worst of times shouting the name of the person you think you've recognised - a wave of dread and bitter disappointment washes over you. That's not Steve. The worst part is that it's only after bewildering looks of complete confusion from the person you think you've seen are shot at you do you finally realise.

7. The Trip

We've all done it, don't deny it. Potentially in your own little world, maybe wearing shoes that are just too pointy or just too clumpy. There always has to be a stupid loose slab of pavement just waiting patiently, like a spider waiting for a fly to be caught on a web.

Aaaand there it goes. You've tripped up and managed to steady yourself from almost certain face-splattering. Someone's giggling from a nearby car window. You laugh a little to yourself, accepting that you have just made a tit of yourself, for the 7th time today. Fuck you, world.

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The 'Fat' and 'Skinny' Problem

This post will potentially be one of the most hypocritical things I have ever written, because, as anyone who knows me is fully aware - I am not politically correct. Unintentionally, by the way.

There's a big ol' problem skulking around social media and petition websites that is frankly just irritating the living hell out of me and I've decided to do the usual thing, yep, you guessed it - go onto to social media and join the skulking problem.

It's the fat and skinny debate. Where is the line in terms of 'political correctness?'

Recently there was a huge attack on this advertising campaign.



I agree with the anti-campaign. This sort of advertisement is wrong and potentially damaging and for the most part - irresponsible.

Here's what I don't agree with - the idolisation of the morbidly obese and massively under-weight under the guise of body confidence.

The problem I find with so many of the social media rants about this debate is that there is just no realistic element to it. To put it bluntly, some people are slightly bigger, some are slightly smaller, some are average. The people that are out of that spectrum, (being either very fat or very skinny) are just not healthy human beings. That is fact, not opinion, that is fact.

It worries me deeply that while we are reporting huge increases in obese children and how obesity is becoming such a widespread problem thanks to the holier-than-thou food industry, whilst simultaneously campaigning for body confidence (which is a good thing) and the idolisation of obese models (that's not a good thing). That's a conflicting dialogue that the Western community is having with itself, and it's more damaging than obesity itself.

I could be incredibly narrow-minded (it's possible, I know) but I can't understand why it is that an obese model or, equally, an incredibly skinny model could be considered a healthy human being. We can't promote healthy living and extreme weight conditions at the same damn time. That's like telling your teenage kids not to do drugs as you inject heroin into your veins. It can't work and it's doomed to fail and have deeper consequences.

What also isn't being properly tackled like it should be, is the food industry. The food industry is behaving now in the way that Tobacco companies did during the Tobacco boom. I can't walk down a road now without seeing the latest re-invention of food into processed fast food in various fonts and colours splashed across every billboard, poster and street corner. I personally don't give a flying fuck if KFC have managed to find a way of making the cheapest, most processed 'version' of a burrito I've ever seen. Capitalism is good, I love Capitalism; but the sort of aggressive capitalism that is funnelling it's way in through the food industry is destroying our western culture and causing us to bicker about whether being morbidly obese or very skinny is good or not? It isn't. It isn't healthy. It causes health problems - and big ones.

Whilst all of that is fact, here's another thing that's a huge problem. Shaming people because of their weight conditions. This is all being written by me, a slightly overweight guy, and I've witnessed and seen the effects that shaming because of weight has had. I am not proud to say either that I have both been the perpetrator and the victim on varied different times growing up, and the worst part is that because of the huge social pressure as a result of advertising campaigns such as the one previously mentioned - it is just unavoidable sometimes, especially in children.

Young girls and boys should NOT ever be made to feel they need to look like someone they aren't.

Adult women and men should NOT ever be made to feel they need to look like someone they aren't.

No one on this planet should be made to feel like they have achieved something by being the same weight as a half-naked man or woman on a billboard. But neither should an unhealthy lifestyle be promoted, surely? Men and women alike should have an environment surrounding them that engages them as individual people, with individual shapes and sizes and variations which is perfectly natural. I realise of course, please don't think I am avoiding the topic of health and mental conditions which lead to dramatic weight conditions, because that is a different debate. Some people can't help being very large, nor very small. Like I said, this is not to be shamed but supported.

Maybe I'm onto something here. MAYBE I'm a huge twat?

... We'll never know.

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